


Christmas with the Crazies

by 19_dish_soaps



Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Crack, Crack Taken Seriously, Drinking, F/M, Implied underage drinking, Jerome is alive, Legion of Horribles Christmas Party, Legion of Horribles shenanigans, M/M, Pineapple juice, Selina is the best, Underage Drinking, because I say so, crackfic, idk what age Bridgit is so I'm putting it there to be safe, its barely there tho - Freeform, legion of horribles - Freeform, not really but kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-25 14:47:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22117762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/19_dish_soaps/pseuds/19_dish_soaps
Summary: Jim Gordon is forced to attend the Legion of Horribles Christmas party. He witnesses Jerome being annoying, Selina being the best ever and Jervis being a distinguished disaster gay.
Relationships: Jim Gordon & Jerome Valeska, Jim Gordon & Jervis Tetch, Jim Gordon & Selina Kyle, Jonathan Crane/Jervis Tetch, Lee Thompkins/Jim Gordon (briefly), Leslie Thompkins/Jim Gordon (briefly), Oswald Cobblepot/Edward Nygma (mentioned), Selina Kyle & Jervis Tetch
Comments: 9
Kudos: 108





	Christmas with the Crazies

**Author's Note:**

> (I know Christmas just happened but I was inspired at 3am and this is what came of it)
> 
> Jerome is alive because I refuse to accept canon and the Legion of Horribles is a dysfunctional family unit send tweet.

"I already told you, no arrests at the party," Lee told her husband as she fixed his tie. 

"But-"

"I know you don't like them, but Ed and Oswald have done a lot for me over the years and I owe this to them."

"You don't owe them anything." Jim Gordon stood in front of a mirror, staring at his reflection and regretting every choice that had brought him to this moment. 

They were getting ready for the annual Legion Of Horribles Christmas Party, which Lee wanted him to go to for an unknown reason (he knew the reason, but he elected to ignore it).

"The biggest criminals in the city all in one place, and I can't do anything." Jim had to stop himself from vomiting at the thought of being forced to spend time with "The freaks who ruled the streets", as Tetch called them.

"Promise?" Lee looked at him hopefully, like she wasn't asking him to turn a blind eye on Gotham's most well-known villains for a perceived debt.

Jim sighed. "For you? Anything."

Lee snorted and pulled his collar back into place. "You are such a dork."

\----

Jim was sitting at a table in the corner of the obnoxiously loud room, sipping a glass of beer and ignoring the fact that Bridgit Pike was doing ten shots a second as Victor Fries begged her to stop five feet away from him. 

He thought the night had been going well. He'd avoided all human contact other than a brief greeting from Oswald, and had since been sitting on his own as Lee mingled with people that had made it their life's mission to make his job a living hell. That is, until Jerome Valeska dropped into the seat next to him and subsequently stole his drink. 

"Hiya, Jimbo!" Jerome said casually, as if he wasn't a wanted murderer talking to the commissioner of the GCPD. "Enjoying the festivities?"

Jim resigned himself to his fate. He considered saying something vague and mundane, but there really wasn't a point in trying to save face with the boy who'd lost his. "I want to kill myself."

Jerome's eyes lit up. "Me too! Depression buddies!"

Jim turned away from the constantly grinning face to stare neutrally at the wall, somehow showing all five stages of grief through his blank expression. Jerome watched in amusement for a while before opening his mouth to say something.

That was when someone launched themselves across the hardwood table, sliding to a stop just in front of Jerome. They were panting raggedly, as if they'd finished a marathon in order to get there.

"Ivy tried to make pasta in Jervis' kettle and everything is broken!"

Jerome' expression morphed between "that is the most hilarious thing I've ever heard" and "oh god I have to fix this before he finds out" before settling on "I will help, but I will constantly complain about it for a week".

He jumped out of his seat, saluting Jim as he ran off. "Gotta go! The last time Jervis' stuff broke it was a massacre!"

Jim wasn't sure if he meant that literally. He was thankful it made Jerome leave him alone, at least.

\----

The next person to join Jim in his corner of solitude was Selina Kyle. 

"Lee's discussing something dumb with Ozzie," she informed while sipping what Jim recognised as pineapple juice.

Good. He'd begun to worry she'd been kidnapped, or gotten cornered by Zsasz in the kitchen while he stress-baked cookies and rambled about how music has been on a decline since the nineties. Jim had been on the receiving end of that enough to know it was not desirable for anyone.

"How come you're here?" she asked when he didn't reply.

"Lee made me. You?"

She shrugged. "Got nothing better to do."

"I doubt that." Jim took another sip of his recently reclaimed drink. "So, what's it like? Living with them?" he pointed to where people Jim was sure he'd seen in Arkham were grinding to Spooky Scary Skeletons (he thought this was a Christmas party?). 

Selina looked around the room for a moment, taking in the flashing lights and shouts of people she'd learned to coexist with. "It's interesting. You don't get to see as many mad scientists and insane clowns while sleeping rough, ya know?"

Jim laughed. 

"I can only imagine."

The noise Jim made at the sound of a voice sitting right next to him would have shattered glass if all the cups weren't made of plastic.

He whipped his head around to see Jervis Tetch, who managed to make direct eye contact while chugging from a wine bottle. If Jim was honest, the fact that he had kept an air of dignity while wiping the excess away with his sleeve scared him more than the fact that Jim had seen him locked in Arkham the week before.

"I'm guessing seeing our revelry has you in a passion?"

"So you still do the rhyming thing when you're drunk?" It was only ten p.m but Jim could feel his energy drain every second he spent under the red and blue lights. 

"He does it in his sleep." Selina said.

"Rhythms and rhyme is indeed a state of mind. What better way for two sentences to bind?" Jervis said, hands gesturing wildly as if accidentally smacking someone in the face would prove his point. Selina nodded. Jim wondered if it was an act or if she could genuinely understand anything that came from the madman's mouth. 

"How's Jonathan?" She asked to change the subject before he went on a rant on how poetry is dead.

"The Scarecrow is feeing slightly unwell. On the reasons for this he prefers not to dwell." Jervis informed her in a somber voice. Selina reached across the table to lightly touch his arm sympathetically, and Jim decided she was definitely faking it.

When Jervis's attention turned to something on the other side of the room (most likely Jerome's performance of "Hollaback Girl"), Selina leaned closer to Jim. 

"They're totally dating," she whispered. 

Jim choked on the drink in his mouth and had to improvise the heimlick manoeuvre. He refused to die within 100 feet of the Legion of Dumbasses. 

When he got it under control, he managed to cough out "What?"

"I said Jervis and Jonathan are totally dating!"

Jim watched Selina for any sign she was lying but found nothing. After a second "...Really?"

"Uh, duh? It's really obvious."

"But they haven't actually said anything?"

"Well, no, not openly-"

"Then it sounds like you're grasping at straws." When Selina looked ready to argue, Jim added "Until there's some concrete evidence, I don't feel comfortable assuming they're together."

Selina looked away in defeat until something caught her eye from behind Jim. "I think you'll find that evidence sooner than you'd imagine."

Jim turned to see Jonathan Crane descending the steps of the main staircase into what was lovingly known as "the riot room" to those that lived there. He'd forgone his Scarecrow attire to wear a disturbingly bright Christmas sweater that Jim suspected Jerome had bought/made him wear. 

Jervis hadn't noticed him yet. He was still staring in confusion at the karaoke station, where the opening beats of "Never Gonna Give You Up" could be heard.

Jonathan stood at he base of the staircase, looking lost and utterly done with life, before his eyes landed on their table. He slowly made his way through the crowds of dancing people before making it to stand next to Jervis. 

The other man finally took notice of him, and his face immediately softened upon seeing who it was. Jonathan wordlessly cocked his head to the side, indicating the dance floor, and Jervis nodded and hopped off his chair to follow him to where the music was less deafening.

When Jim turned back to Selina, she was smirking so hard he feared her mouth would be stuck like that if she didn't stop. 

He raised his hands in the universal sign of defeat. "Okay, you got me. They're dating."

"Don't ever doubt me again."

"Yeah, sure."

Selina watched looked at him closely for a moment. "God, you're so clueless when it comes to these things."

Jim nodded and drained the last of his drink.

"Next you'll be telling me you don't know about Ed and Oswald."

"WHAT?!"


End file.
